Ads ala Al Jazeera (12-05-2006)

Recently, the network, Al Jazeera, has become available to America. Many here consider Al Jazeera, bin Laden’s terrorism network, but until cable companies decide to offer this station en masse, here is what we’re missing…

We will be right back with more wholesome family entertainment on Children Cinema featuring the movie, “Let's Ring Bells While Beheading All the Infidels.” Please listen now to our sponsors who are ALL EVIL CAPITALIST PIGS!!!

Hi, my name is Mohammed Iwan Ma-bod Tugo Kaboom. I was an aspiring suicide bomber living peacefully in Afghanistan. After America’s illegal invasion, I became a detainee here at Guantánamo Bay. When my American captors interrogated me, I would feel back pain and other bodily discomfort. Every day I would lie in my bed. All full of dread waiting for my next interrogation. It got so bad that I almost demanded access to an ACLU lawyer.

Fortunately, the situation improved when my interrogators purchased a Select Number water board. This revolutionary product cushions a detainee with air pockets that conform to his body contours. Unlike other boards that felt like hard wood, Select Number allows me to personally choose, Allah willing, the firmness level.

Now when I’m taken into the interrogation room, I just give the CIA agents my select number. Soon I am in total comfort while I experience the sensations of drowning. It has made a complete difference in my life of jihad, as I know it can in yours too.

Do you know your Select Number? Do not delay; find out today…

Wondering what to get a young jihadi? How about a genuine Palestinian Pet Rock? Yes, a Palestinian Pet Rock is the ideal gift for youngsters of all ages. In addition to being able to play dead, the Palestinian Pet Rock comes with an adjustable bomb belt.

Our rocks are manufactured right here in Gaza through an extensive quality control process monitored vigilantly by UN personnel when they are not hiding from the violence. Each rock has a unique identity and comes covered with authentic Jewish blood donated personally by an Israeli soldier.

The Palestinian Pet Rock is an official product of Gaza. In fact it’s the only product of Gaza, but do not be fooled by imitations from our Zionist competitors who we will eventually push into the Mediterranean Sea!

Act now and we will include at no extra charge a second rock! This is a limited time offer available only while supplies last. Extra bomb belt not included (pet rocks must share)...

Are you stuck in a dead end job? Look no further for a bright future than with a degree earned from the Tehran University of International Studies in Terrorism. Our philosophy emphasizes maximizing target impact. There’s no doubt that our world-renown graduates know how to take life very seriously.

Our newest curriculum is in Nuclear Physics. Many believe that demand for our nuclear graduates and their products will really explode. Yes, their future will be very brilliant, indeed! We predict that every major city in the West will have one.

And starting positions are readily available in major organizations. Our graduates quickly find employment that often ends up being the last job they’ll ever need.

Since there is no age limit, parents are advised to signup their children early, for space is limited since our affiliate institutions in Afghanistan and Iraq have unexpectedly been shutdown. Do not delay; because in today’s world children blow up so fast…

(Actual PETA ad that showed abuse of Australian sheep partially skinned alive censored by Al Jazeera that often airs images of beheadings and mutilated bodies.)

We are back for our movie’s conclusion. Stay tuned afterwards for special footage of a terrorist shooting an American soldier in Iraq…

Actually, that very video appeared on CNN (10/19). Afterwards many nicknamed CNN the Caliphate News Network. Back in April 2003, CNN executive Eason Jordan admitted his network had intentionally withheld Saddam’s atrocities in exchange for access.

This October, CNN’s founder, Ted Turner, stated to the National Press Club that after 9/11 he really hadn’t made up his mind which side he was on. Apparently, now he decided, and it’s with the terrorists.

On CNN, Turner stated after visiting North Korea that he wasn’t sure about Bush, yet he was absolutely certain that North Korea’s nuclear ambitions were solely for civilian purposes. After Korea’s nuclear test, Turner only said he was “very upset.”

So, Al Jazeera’s outlook in America is grim because CNN, its principal competitor, isn’t doing that well either. Turner was asked what he planned to overcome Fox News whose been beating CNN in ratings. He answered with a long, flatulence sound. Why didn’t he say something more informative? Well, Turncoat Turner just couldn’t produce a more intelligent response.