Tofu Terrorists (3-18-2008)

You may have heard them. They’ve been all over the radio and TV. No, they aren’t those stupid “3 am” commercials. No, they’re the ACLU (Aging Communists Losers Union) ads depicting the battle between Bush and congress. Actually, it’s “W” vs. “P,” Nancy Pelosi, the “House Squeaker” who’s single handedly holding up the Protect America Act that helped track terrorists and more importantly their phone pals.

Since 911, “Big Phone,” (telecoms in liberal drivel) has freely given calling patterns that revealed potential terrorist cells neutralizing them before they committed a deadly attack. Now telecoms are reluctant because they no longer have immunity from silly lawsuits.

And lawyers are just salivating over a new prospect to suck blood. Democrats who get bucks galore from the trail thugs are simply putting this special interest above America’s national interests. Since a FISA extension would easily pass, “P” keeps her house perpetually in recess. She’s obviously not worried about losing her seat since San Francisco is the tofu capital of the world.

But, that’s not what the ads say. No, they claim Bush is listening to your phone calls and e-mails too. Of course, that did happen, but not under Bush’s watch. Instead Bill Clinton was the president so brazen to institute two NSA programs, Project Echelon (monitored all phone communication) and Carnivore (e-mails) that did exactly what those scary commercials intone. Unfortunately, the ACLU didn’t complain then. So much for defending civil liberties, another myth shattered.

Recently, a conservative sent me an ACLU web ad. It's about a guy on his way home from work ordering a pizza, but the cashier seems to know everything about him. For instance, he has high cholesterol and blood pressure. So, there’s a surcharge because pizza isn’t health friendly. His address is also known. He’s in an orange zone, a neighborhood where a burglary recently occurred, oh-oh delivery surcharge!

Suddenly, his pie is costing sky high. He finally ends up purchasing a sprout sub with tasteless tofu sticks. Don’t worry. He probably has a secret cache of taboo Tabasco, somewhere. This ad argues against corporations and government knowing too much about Americans resulting from instituting a national ID.

However, the ACLU isn’t concerned if the same were mandated under Universal Health Care (UHC). Whereas when the Fed has total control, it’ll be the health care “decider.”

In England, their system now may refuse smokers, the obese and drinkers if determined their treatment wouldn’t be effective. When the government is the only HMO, the unhealthy will have nowhere else to go. One positive though is Michael Moore, producer of Sicko, a pro socialized medicine “fako-mentary.” He’d be denied health care because he’s so fat; he’s his own zip code.

And the nanny state can dictate the lifestyles people can habituate. In England, a proposed law would require licenses for smoking. Anywhere, anytime a policeman can request it for just taking a puff. In New York, trans fats have become verboten. So, the ACLU ad isn’t too far off base in predicting an America where no one moves without the watchful eye of bureaucrats looking.

Both Hillary and Obama would impose a UHC atrocity, but Obama would still be the bigger Tofu Terrorist. However, some Republicans believe that Obama’s election would be a great way to get a conservative elected president. Since Jimmy Carter’s presidency was such a failure, resulting with Democrats in droves voting for Ronald Reagan. Under Carter’s watch, not only did the Soviets invade Afghanistan, but also the first Islamofascist state was born, Iran.

But, Obama could be far worse than Carter. Obama has already threatened to invade Pakistan, a key US ally. Most likely, an Obama invasion would undermine Pakistan’s leader because he’d be attacked by a nation he befriended. And if the terrorists were successful at achieving power as a result, Obama would create the first Islamofascist state with nuclear weapons.

Naturally, Obama voted against the Protect America Act, thus terrorists everywhere are supporting him. Although he bristles at any suggestion that jihadists would celebrate his victory. But why not, he wants to surrender their central front, Iraq.

Columbian terrorists would also rejoice an Obama presidency. Recently revealed, their warlord Raul Reyes was told that Obama wouldn’t support “Plan Colombia” and the TLC (Free Trade Agreement). Without them, Columbia could revert from newly found prosperity back to the dangerous nation it once was.

Finally, for those still afraid that their calls are being recorded in the White House, there’s new technology even more primitive than text messaging but with less carpal tunnel injuries. (Isn’t technology supposed to get easier?). The new smoke signal cell phone billows out plumes that can be seen for miles around yet is supposedly very difficult for all government agencies to intercept, all except the EPA, of course.