Turner, Definitely On After Burner

I’ve been asking everybody to dinner --- 40 years from now. I suggest to each perspective guest, “Bring a roast. Otherwise, you’ll be the roast.” Why? Another “Ted Dead Head” hath spoken. No, not Ted Danson, he predicted a dead ocean in 10 years. Unfortunately for him, that was 25 years ago, so he has to live on while his profundity lives down.

One rule when predicting doomsday is to make sure it’s far enough in the future so you’re dead before it turns out to be false. That way you’re only a historical footnote. Sort of like, remember when so-and-so said the world would end today. Guess he was wrong, ha, ha. Boom!

At first, media mongrel Ted Turner said 10 years to humanity’s final famine, and I almost fainted. How am I going to secure that many dinners on such short notice? Then he corrected himself to 30 or 40 years. Whew, what a relief. At least, there’s some time: To stock up on Hostess Twinkies!

Yes, these golden, crème filled treats could actually be the wonder food of a dead planet. Not containing one chemical even remotely organic, it’s not a problem if corn can’t be grown (or all wasted on ethanol). Also, Twinkies have enough preservatives to last forever, so persons eating them will last forever too.

Turner predicts that the world will eventually be 8 to 10 degrees hotter. Then, plants won’t grow, not even at the poles. Surviving humans will resort to cannibalism, sort of a man-eat-man scenario. Hey, look on the bright side, no more over population!

So, how does Ted know what he “knows?” He doesn’t say, but he’s probably got “enviro-anal-ists” buzzing around him being the creator of those Captain Planet cartoons, which preached greedy corporations just pollute for profits. But, if he’s relying on the 22 global climate models used by the IPCC, just keep in mind that none could even predict the past.

Indeed, no models foresaw the recent one-degree drop in global temperatures. So, only an idiot would believe that they could foretell the future, which explains Turner who if he lived in saner times would be dismissed as completely crazy.

Unfortunately, these are not normal times. Ted gets serious consideration because many, “warming freaks,” in the macaca media, being scientifically challenged, agree. Thus, news that counters the alarmist litany is filtered because the unenlightened (that’s us) might lose faith and balk at alarmists’ “suggestions” at saving the planet!

It’s why Al Gore, most prophetic idiot of them all, gets through the door of media organizations. Recently, he appeared on that “Rather” tarnished C-BS network where he announced his $300 million ad campaign to reach the three people who still haven’t heard his alarmist allegory.

Many wonder where Al’s getting the dough. Even his worshiper (a.k.a. interviewer) asked him. Gore responded that he’s donating his Nobel Prize money and “Incontinent Truth” film proceeds. While that satisfied her, others who actually think pondered, “Okay, but what about the other $290 million?”

More than likely, Maurice Strong, Canadian environmentalist and Gore’s backer, now living in China is paying the rest. China is interested in hog tying the US economy in order to dominate the world economically as well as militarily. No doubt, Cap and Trade (i.e. Crap and Tirade) will put another onus on American factories, which must either: reduce CO2, buy carbon credits or relocate to China.

But, most insulting was Gore’s statement that anyone who disagrees with his alarmism is akin to a flat earth proponent or a non-believer of the moon landing. Well, I believe whenever Al Gore appears it’s an undeniable “loon landing.” Last December, Senator Inhofe (R-OK) issued a report where 400 prominent scientists rejected “the consensus” of man-made global warming, and 19000 scientists have already signed “The Petition Project” stating the same.

Then, there are the poor polar bears that “enviro-weenies” want declared an “endangered species.” CO2 supposedly threatens their frozen habitat. Still, there’s about fives times more polar bears now than in the “cooler” 1950’s. Maybe, these bears like it hot!

If eco-whackos were successful though, then CO2 no matter where it’s produced would be verboten. Watch out, no more cook outs. But this problem is way beyond just destroying the US economy. What’s really needed is an “Adopt a Polar Bear” program.

Individuals could send money to care for bears just like third world children. Then as an extra bonus, eco-whackos would be sent all expenses paid to visit their bears for some up close and personal time. Boom! Crisis solved.

Anyway, I’m already buying stock in recently bankrupted Interstate Bakeries, manufacturer of Hostess products. No doubt, once the news gets out, they’ll sell “Truckloads of Twinkies” as everyone hoards this savory savior of Homo sapiens.