The Problems with Plastic

One of the greatest comic strips of all time is from Dilbert. It’s the one where all the employees had to write what they had accomplished over the year as part of their evaluations. To say some tiny exaggerations were made would be an understatement. For example, one employee wrote that while others plotted against the boss. He instead had applied an invisible rust inhibitor to his supervisor’s car.

But the best was the one where the employee claimed that he had saved the company billions of dollars in ways that were impossible to verify. And naturally, these billions in savings were impossible to document at his yearly evaluation. That’s sort of the feeling one gets when reading a recent AP news story “Another garbage patch: Plastic soup in Atlantic.”

Apparently, there’s a new blight blighting the sea: “a swirl of confetti-like plastic debris stretching over a remote expanse of the Atlantic Ocean.” Interesting, the floating garbage is hard to spot from the surface. So, don’t expect to see a bunch of plastic bottles swirling around on your next cruise.

The plastic soup was found by not one but two groups of scientists who trawled between “scenic Bermuda and Portugal’s Azores islands.” Before connecting this plastic phenomenon with the Bermuda Triangle, the so-called “Great Pacific Garbage Patch” was supposedly discovered between Hawaii and California a decade ago. Maybe, that’s where Obama’s birth certificate is located.

The plastic debris is harmful to fish, sea mammals and would be to the Titanic if it were still floating. In fact, that’s a new theory floating around (pun intended here) is that it didn’t hit an iceberg; instead it hit a plastic soup berg. These scientists also say that the plastic garbage could be potentially harmful to humans. In other words, they really don’t know, but let’s scare people for funding purposes anyway.

Another interesting facet of this plastic is that it has broken down into such tiny pieces they’re nearly invisible sort of like that rust inhibitor or billions in savings. Interestingly, nature has been able to break down those plastic bits to bits of rather small size but apparently could go no further. Good thing those scientists are perceptive enough to discover this invisible menace.

The problem is, and isn’t it always, that there’s really no way to realistically clean the oceans of this plastic soup. Apparently, pool skimmers just won’t do the trick. So, some scientists suggest releasing microbes designed to eat plastic, but that might be a bit drastic.

So, the only way to solve this global problem, and aren’t they all global now, is to keep plastic basically out of the oceans. While currently scientists make it only as a suggestion, it’s only a matter of time before the UN gets involved and tries to make it a global mandate.

Then, there are all those pro-regressive politicians here in America who just couldn’t resist another excuse to dictate how people should live. And don’t forget, plastic is made from oil, a product of those evil energy companies.

If Cap and Trade doesn’t get them, then plastic gook could, and it won’t matter the comedian George Carlin once said that man was created so the Earth could have plastic. Or even that in the movie “The Graduate” plastics were a recommended career path.

And, this plastic is supposedly spun together by the oceans’ “vortex of currents.” However, oceanic vortices wouldn’t just collect plastic but everything else that floats: sand, shells, ships and shoals. Why there’d be these little islands except that vortices do eventually spit out what gets caught in them, just like Dorothy and her little dog Toto in the movie “The Wizard of Oz.”

Still, look on the bright side at least more plastic isn’t washing up on beaches. But if the idea of oceanic plastic is disturbing, then “Support Your Local Sheriff” and your landfill too, where plastic won’t perfuse profusely except into ground water, which is okay because then only humans are harmed.

Plastic when broken down releases toxic chemicals such as styrene monomer, a polystyrene by-product, and bisphenol A (BPA), a chemical used in hard plastics such as reusable water bottles and aluminum can linings. BPA has been shown to interfere with the reproductive systems of animals, while styrene monomer is a suspected carcinogen. Now, scientists make up your minds. Is it a micro goop that won’t break down any further or is it toxic cancer causing soup?

Some scientists simulated the decomposition of polystyrene in the sea and found that it degrades at 86° F. The number is eerily familiar to that “Back to the Future” film where time travel didn’t occur until the Delorean reach 88 mph. Is it possible that these scientists have seen way too many movies?