“Conundra” on the Tundra

When John McCain compares ANWR to the Grand Canyon, one has to wonder what planet he is from. The Grand Canyon gets millions of visitors every year, ANWR gets next to nil.

Then, there are the Democrats who inanely defend ANWR by accusing oil companies of just wanting to annoy polar bears, like the Alaskan pipeline bothers caribou. The problem, it doesn’t work. Caribous have increased. Apparently, the pipeline has made them more amorous. Studies indicate this. One in particular says that before the pipeline, the popular Caribou pickup line was “What’s your sign?” Now it’s, “You’re pipeline or mine, baby.”

Instead of referring to oil drillers as such, instead liken them to “tundra” tourists. Since it’s hard to detect ANWR’s “pristine-ness” above, the interesting scenery must be “undra the tundra.” The problem is all that oil. When John McCain referred to ANWR as akin to the Grand Canyon, he must have been referring to those potential “Grand Caverns” beneath.

Speaking of someone who’s so underground, Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) probably hasn’t left his nether regions for eons. Schumer believes a million barrels of oil a day from ANWR would only lower gas prices 1 cent. Yet, he believes the same from the Saudis or the strategic reserve would be significant. Schumer knows nothing except the number of polyps on his colon.

Then, there’s Barrack Obama who recently quoted some stupid government report from some idiotic agency (aren’t they all) that drilling new oil would take 30 years to help consumers. Now, liberals abound in Washington. That’s what’s wrong with the town. Finding a report that cites the liberal litany is as easy as finding Democrats who take bribes.

Liberals can’t even get the US Constitution right. Likewise, Barrack has it just the opposite. Drilling and refining can be done very quickly. It’s all the “enviro-anal” lawsuits that make the process take long. The first refinery in 30 years has been approved, and these socialists are already planning to completely block it using the courts.

The fact is it would take decades to implement an alternative energy source even if it’s ready to go right now. That’s no bugs, no glitches. Unfortunately, each new energy technology has its technical problems. Still, the presidential candidates should make campaign pledges to be the first to implement alternative energy.

And the best place to start would be the White House and the every day aspects of the president’s life. Americans should only elect a president that promises to be the most alternatively energized in his first thirty days of office.

For instance, he should totally power the people’s house with gerbils. Continuously rotating tiny wheels could just be the ticket to a prudent but pungent presidency. “Gerbil Generators” could be placed in every office to power the lights (CFLs, of course), computers, phones etc. Most of the technology already exists: cages, wheels, turbines and, of course, plenty of gerbils. As an extra bonus, each White House worker could get a free clothespin for his nose.

Air Force One is another area ripe for alternative energy. The plane could just attach ropes to migrating flocks of geese. Of course, this would have to be a hybrid to other energy sources. Otherwise, the president would be forced to go south in the fall and winter, and north the other half of the year.

Citizens may get angry that the president never visits off-season, or even some may complain he won’t (can’t) return to Washington. Still, the technology is readily available: ropes, “de plane” and, of course, the flocks of geese.

Another transport possibility could be hot air balloons used when there’s the right prevailing wind, which would be ideal for Obama. As for the hot air, that’s easy as well. Most politicians have plenty of it and can just give a stump speech under the balloon’s hole.

Then, there’s the presidential motorcade. Stretched limousines that literally stretch for miles down whatever city the president has descended upon. The gas of all those vehicles surely costs a pretty penny or two. Well, there’s a simple alternative. Cut holes through the floorboards and remove the heavy engine from the front, which would definitely make the vehicle a whole lot lighter.

Then, like the old Fred Flintstones cartoons his motorcade could move like a giant centipede through the streets. Of course, the president would not have to yell, “Yaba, Daba, Doo!” That would be so un-presidential, and Americans would never want to see a passing president breaking a sweat. No, he could sit behind in his bulletproof comfort just as presidents have done so previously.

Instead, his many secret service agents and advisors would do all the lifting and shuffling. However, don’t be surprised if the new president shrilly calls the First Lady, “Wilma!”