Going Gruesomely Green

There’s this oil heat radio ad where two extreme green neighbors are talking tit for tat on who’s saving the planet better. Whether it’s driving a hybrid verses not commuting at all to organic gardening verses solar powered composters, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the greenest of them all.” The ending is especially interesting. Each neighbor, after saying their somewhat friendly goodbyes, calls each other freak and lunatic under their ultra-low CO2 emissions breath.

While this ad uses freaks to illuminate the public of oil heat’s eco-friendliness, on the CBS Morning Show co-host Harry Smith recently interviewed two real freaks who chose to live without electricity and toilet paper for one year. What is it with eco-whackos and their obsession against toilet paper?

For toilet paper is the greatest invention of all time. In fact, the phrase the best thing “since sliced bread” should be “since 3-ply” instead. Toilet paper is such a great leap for mankind, actually a great clean behind for mankind, it was featured on the History channel’s program, “Modern Marvels.”

But, Colin and Michelle Beavan, possible ancestral relatives to Beavis and Butthead, gave up these comforts. So eco-whacked is this couple that Smith just had to gush, “This is an amazing saga....when the lights were switched back on, Colin and Michelle clearly saw a year that meant so much more than living without toilet paper.” Also, the cockroaches were seen scrambling in all directions.

When asked what their inspiration was, they said, “Concern for the planet. I mean, we were reading so much about global warming happening and we were just frustrated because what can any one person do? So we thought we’d try to do what we could.”

Michelle added, “I had just seen the movie An Inconvenient Truth.” How many others have been ruined by a movie where an English court ruled there are at least nine egregious errors? But, a better question would be, “Should Al Gore be sued if this couple ever dies of an e-coli infection?”

Near the end of the interview, Colin, again citing the global warming hysteria, said “And we discovered that, you know, there is a climate emergency happening and it is possible for us as citizens to actually take care.” Where then, Smith readily agreed and added, “You just have to get 300 million people to do it.”

Now, if a conservative decided to give up using electricity and toilet paper, he would choose only for himself this loony lifestyle. But, liberals aren’t happy unless everyone gives up these comforts as well. Of course, if the truth be told, no conservative would ever surrender his toilet paper.

So, what did the Beavan’s use instead of toilet paper? Maybe, their hands! While concluding the segment, Smith made reference to the lack of toilet paper: “Okay, and the last question, is the answer newspaper?” But, Colin instead dodged the potentially odorous question and replied, “What we want to talk about here is that we have a big emergency.”

Speaking of which, a big emergency is when after doing one’s business, the discovery is made that there’s nothing left on the roll.

And, the Beavan’s even believe in eating only fresh unpackaged food. Where then Smith claimed, “The cost of what the wheat is in a box of cereal that costs $4? It’s a couple of pennies, you know, versus all of this stuff that’s around it.” That’s especially hard to swallow. Farmers couldn’t stay in business if they were getting so little for their produce.

So, what’s next for this progressive, actually if the truth be known, pro-regressive partnership? Living in a cave, going homeless. It seams urban outdoorsmen could be way ahead of their time. These original “No Impact Men” have the ultimate green lifestyle.

But, a better idea would be instead of apartment buildings or skyscrapers level them all and build “crust-scrapers,” buildings that go down, not up. This would eliminate urban heat islands and building enhanced wind effect, and those bad hair days that it causes.

Crust-scrapers would also be natural bomb shelters in the case of a nuclear attack. With Obama, the likelihood of which only increases as he ineptly deals with nuclear proliferation which he’ll be pursuing even more after getting his Nobel Appeasement Prize.

Finally, crust-scrapers would be greener than buildings certified by the Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design (LEED). These regulations developed by the US Green Building Council (USGBC) are on the books in 45 states and more than 100 cities. LEED was supposed to create more energy efficient buildings.

But according to Henry Gifford in a study commissioned by USGBC, LEED certified buildings actually use more energy. Which is not surprising, so often in this eco-debate being green not only isn’t clean, it costs “more green.”