Socialism: Up Close and Very Personal

In 2007 Robert Reich gave a speech in that “pro-regressive” bastion of Berkley, CA. It was what he wanted a presidential candidate to say about healthcare if only the voters were more enlightened able like he to differentiate myth from reality. In it, he said that young people will be forced into paying into a government healthcare system. The audience applauded including students who obviously had partied too much the night before.


He also said that seniors wouldn’t get the care they might need because they were too old. Again, the audience applauded. Apparently, not many vocal codgers were in attendance. All in all, Reich gave for a pro-regressive not just an honest homily but a rather stirring speech.


Yes, inspirational not to actually agree with his idea of creating a nightmarish healthcare system that would essentially reduce every human being from a citizen to a subject. No, instead I’m inspired to write a speech of what I would want a presidential candidate to say especially to the pompous people who although rich still want to impose socialism on the rest of us…


Thank you so much for coming this afternoon. I’m so glad to see you, and I would like to be president. Let me tell you a few things about pompous people who truly peeve me because they want socialism for everyone but themselves. Although I’m a conservative through and through, I have heard the other side. Now, I agree with them, and if elected, I will diligently work to give them personally what they preach.


Michael Moore, truly I tell you. Your love affair of capitalism will end as soon as I enter the Oval Office. As president, you won’t just be wondering where your country went. You’ll also be wondering where your wealth went, dude. But, don’t worry. Your wonderful centralized government will be taking care of your money.


It’s from each according to his ability, right? We’ll be seizing all your assets. Unfortunately, your butt is another matter. Let’s face it dude, you haven’t missed a buffet since 1984, and space is especially scarce on this over populated planet. You got to slim it down, and there’s nothing like the socialist starvation diet to get you to skin and bones in no time. There’ll be no more fat farms for you, besides you won’t be able to afford them anyway.


Sean Penn, you’re so enamored with communism that you were all smiles at the 81st Academy Awards telling everyone how cool it was. Yeah, you actually cooed to the audience how they were “commie lovin’ homo sons ‘a’ guns” just for choosing you.


You often remark that people have to give up the hate card when it comes to your pro-regressive politics, but you yourself just can’t stop pounding on the paparazzi. Recently, another victim of your violence filed a complaint after allegedly being kicked by you. In fact you have a history of violence. In 1987 you spent 32 days in jail for beating up an extra just trying to take your picture. Where’s the love, man?


Recently, you were schmoozing with your buddy Fidel down in his prison state of Cuba. It’s a wonder you just didn’t stay there, but fret not my friend Castro’s Cuba will be brought right to you. Your wealth will be seized including that bodacious abode in Marin County, CA.


And there’ll be no more eating at fine restaurants not that you’ll be able to afford them. It won’t matter how many Academy Awards you win or how many block buster hits you make because all of it I’ll take. No instead, you will receive what is the average staple for Cubans. That would be one whole chicken per month. Why, that works out to be 12 chickens a year not that you could ever do the math.


And Sean, you seem to support every dictator around, from Iraq’s Saddam Hussein who ruthlessly tortured and murdered many to Chavez in Venezuela who shut down private media that criticized him while impoverishing his nation. You stated, “He’s much more positive for Venezuela than he is negative.”


Sean, Sweetie, you bring a whole new meaning to the term “useful idiot.” When you open your mouth and speak off the cuff, you make Bush sound like a genius.


Barbara Streisand, well Babs what can I say. You use over 10000 gallons of water each month for your lawn. Honey, we got to do something about you just to save Los Angeles let alone the planet. And your suggestion that everyone use clothespins is laughable considering you would never employ such a suggestion.


Finally, Robert Reich, I would implement your healthcare plan immediately, for it would automatically consider you too old to ever receive any care.